i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Randomize
