Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
