Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
