It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
