after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
