I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
North Korea, Best Korea!
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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