But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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