she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
