can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
