Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
