he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
