Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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