I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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