He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
