you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
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