At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
