Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
