I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
