I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
