god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I don't think brook has ever known best
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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