Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
