im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
it was like having sex with a tree stump
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
