We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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