dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
