I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
