Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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