Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Randomize
