i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
