Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
