Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
