Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
