Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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