i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
