Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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