if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
