This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
