She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
he fucked my hip out of place.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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