oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
