can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
