Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I supernannyed him into submission
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