I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
