Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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