Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
