I cockslap morals
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
