I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
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