i just google imaged poop.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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