ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
