On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Randomize
