i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
