i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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