Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
