i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
