if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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